Dying to Be Adopted? A Guide to Choosing the Right Academic Family

The time has come, the time to choose (or be chosen by…?) your academic family. For some, this is the  daunting challenge — for others, the most exciting part of their upcoming Freshers' experience. Either way, it’s a whole new world you’re about to be thrown into.

A product of real-life divorce, I thought this was my opportunity to find a big kumbaya-style happy family — wrong, dreadfully wrong. In fact, academic families can be just as messy, if not messier. From favouritism to alcoholism, incest to academic divorces, it’s the full soap opera deal. That being said, it’s also a wonderful experience — one unique to St Andrews.

My academic family experience wasn’t the advertised one. I didn’t stick with my first family, then the one I chose for ‘strategic’ purposes — and because I ran out of options — didn’t end up all that close. Raisin was like a scene out of The Hangover. After that? We all met up maybe twice and made the usual “how has the first semester been?”, “I miss you, we don’t all see each other enough!”, “family event soon!” small talk at events thereafter.

So, following my slightly unfulfilling experience, here’s all the advice I wish someone had given me as a clueless Fresher — the bad, the good, the cynical, and the strategic: s crash course in the art of being adopted.

If the prospect of an ‘academic family’ is completely foreign to you, here is a short explanation. Academic family: a make-believe kinship system where third-year students ‘adopt’ incoming firstyears as their “children”. The premise? To provide you with support, guidance, and occasional alcohol poisoning as you settle into the town; on Raisin Sunday, as is every St Andrews Fresher’s rite of passage, your parents get to haze you for a day. Though fear not, I hear most halls have now banned kidnapping.

The relationships begin casually. As much as you’re dying to be adopted, academic parents are dying to adopt you. So don't worry, there's a family out there for everyone. Usually at society mixers, events, pre-drinks, or give-it-a-go sessions, prospective academic parents will approach you with the goal of adopting you. “Have you been adopted yet?” they will ask. The answer should always be “no”. Test them all out. It’s like a car — you don’t buy it till you drive it; I recommend you drive a few. Try the rugby family, the FS family, the reeling family, the hobbyless family, the French family, The Saint family (I hear they’re the best), and decide what fits you. 

Finally, my advice on choosing your family once you’ve started the adoption process. I’ll give you all of it — so pick your poison. First of all, be open to every opportunity. Anyone who tries to adopt you — give it a shot. Try the family event, no matter how strange it seems. Best scenario? You’ve found your dream family. Worst? You’ve got a story to tell. Equally, once you’ve given a couple of families a whirl, don’t be afraid to be picky. Don’t stay in a family that makes you feel uncomfortable, unwanted, or used (one family tried to recruit me and my prospective siblings as ‘promoters’ for their collective). Remember, this isn’t a real family — you can just leave and never look back.

Now, if you want to play the strategy game, there’s a method. If you wish to climb the ‘social ladder’ of St Andrews — or just want access to those elusive ‘invite-only’ dinners — do your research. Who’s trying to adopt you? What societies are they in? What committees do they sit on? Who are their friends? Can they get you into Welly Ball? Ask not what you can do for your family, but what your family can do for you. I’m not saying this is the right method, nor do I endorse it, but I did promise to give you all the advice I had to offer. Some students choose to play the game, climb, fall, lose friends, and gain others. The point is: know what you want out of it. If it’s fun, take the fun. If it’s networking, well… you know what to do.

Here’s another unconventional wrench: two-time families. Some people have multiple academic families until right before Raisin. And honestly? Who can blame them? Maybe your first one ghosted you. Maybe you wanted a back-up for Raisin. Maybe you’re just hungry for love. Whatever the reason — it’s not cheating, it’s survival. You don’t want to end up an orphan.

On family incest… the age-old question arises: to sleep with your academic brother or not to sleep with your academic brother? Is it weird? Absolutely. Will it stop people? Absolutely not. Honestly, many academic families are inherently incestuous. You hear stories of people hooking up with their sibling — or worse, their parent — but you don’t often hear stories of it working out. And don’t be the person who brags about it like they invented the concept.

One last thing — your academic family doesn’t have to be your best friends. Like real family, sometimes it’s just about showing up for each other, no matter how bizarre or brief the connection may be. You might never speak again after Raisin, or you might end up living together in third-year. You won’t know until it happens.

All this aside, this isn’t the be-all and end-all of your St Andrews experience. If it doesn’t work out, there are dozens of other traditions to be part of — May Dip, Pier Walk, or having a family of your own one day. You’ll find your people no matter what — on the pitch, in the library, or six pints deep at Aikman’s.