The Real Housewives Of St Andrews
What would a reality TV show set in St Andrews look like?
We’ve all heard the murmurs and whispers on the street: a TV network is supposedly pitching a reality show surrounding the captivating lives of select St Andrews students.
I, for one, think that there’s no better place or crowd to capture the very essence of what “unscripted” television should be. I’d like to imagine a bit of what such a show could look like. So here’s my pitch: At the heart of St Andrews lies a tangled web of relationships as intricate as the cobbled streets of the town itself. From love triangles to bitter rivalries, this show explores the drama of student connection in a world where status and reputation reign supreme.
Mindless entertainment, hair-pulling intrigue, and jaw-dropping drama is all anyone wants from a reality show they can binge in necessary procrastination. I’m thinking of a show that exclusively operates off the energy of that one Below Deck episode where there are two married men who both have boyfriends (one of whom, coincidentally, was his daughter’s ex), and which ends with one proposing to his side-thing on the other husband’s birthday. After all, St Andrews housing is essentially thousands of mini-Big Brothers, and the dating scene is one giant circus of Love Island (Love on the Links, perhaps?).
Each main character would have catchy taglines like, “I’m Summer and what do I study? I don’t!” Or, “I’m a barista and I’m always spilling tea with taste! Or is it at Taste?” The plot lines for the season would — and should — be outrageous. The villains of the show will most likely be an American-British duo, while the comedic relief will definitely be a French or Italian student with the most comically-thick accent humanly possible. Class time, presumably, will seemingly not exist.
At least one episode must air the very relatable grievances of the March event season. I’m picturing the awkward moment when a main cast member’s boyfriend sleeps with her best friend at Oktoberfest, and her friends have to comfort her as she cries into her burgundy-pink lace dirndl. Although not every showdown will necessarily be a drunken display, there will have to be some Cottage Kitchen passive-aggressive face-offs — most will be in an intoxicated state in the most inconvenient place possible, and at the most inappropriate time. Confrontations on the dance floor at the DON’T WALK afterparty; confrontations at the FS door; confrontations in the VIC smoking area… you get the gist. Overpriced drinks will be thrown, beautiful clothes will be destroyed, and background St Andrews extras will be caught slipping on mud and humiliatingly falling on top of each other at Welly Ball as the fireworks explode in the distance.
Post-tutorial drinks and bland nachos at the Dunny — while people-watching and gossiping or grabbing brunch at Northpoint and dropping names (first, middle, and last, of course) — will be a crucial audience favourite.
Nights out will feature Gossip Girl-esque montages of intense dancing to the worst Haus music the viewer has ever heard (perhaps fueled by a dusting of bathroom coke).
A critical moment of a protagonist’s character arc will naturally be their internal enlightenment revelation amidst tears, whilst staring at the profound, insightful, and deeply philosophical quotes written in Sharpie on the Aikman’s bathroom door.
One episode would have to be titled “Saints or SINNERS?” following the messy drama unfolding of two protagonists on the University’s most debaucherous night of the week. And while the cast will promise each other the night will not end up at the Union, it most certainly will.
The season finale will either feature May Ball or May Dip, perhaps with a heartwarming visual of the sun rising as the cast — in the full May Dip attire of absolutely nothing — hugs and laughs, relieved that the treacherous year of scandalous secrets, juicy rumours, and academic pressure is over.
Naturally, filming simply cannot start until Club 601 is reopened, so production will have to be delayed to make sure that the first unveiling night of 601 is one to be remembered and viewed by millions worldwide.
Coming to you soon: The Real Housewives of St Andrews — streaming exclusively on Mapstone TV.
Illustration by: Ruby Pitman