Smoke vs. Crunch: Perceived Coolness in St Andrews

The Duel Between Cigarettes and Apples Over Perceived Coolness in St Andrews

Yesterday I spilled my Spoiled Life iced oat vanilla latte right over Patrick Hamilton’s initials. Tradition says that stepping on them alone is enough to doom you to bad grades, thanks to the curse tied to Hamilton’s slow execution in front of St Salvator's Chapel. But drenching the stone in my Gen Z, caffeine-fuelled arrogance? That feels like a whole new level of desecrating the legacy of a man who was burned for his beliefs. Hamilton died for his principles — meanwhile, I made a statement with a drink order.

It’s funny how St Andrews does this to you. This old town, with its cobbled streets and gothic ruins, somehow becomes the backdrop for avocado toast, green smoothies, and morning pilates. Centuries-old traditions provide excuses to drink too much, skinny-dip, kiss strangers at balls, and laugh it all off as part of the ‘experience’. It’s all one big irony. Perhaps that’s why we have such a juxtaposing yet distinct combination of perceived coolness in our university culture.

Recently, a TikTok pitting the perceived coolness of smoking a cigarette against the seemingly mundane act of biting into a crisp apple in public went viral, sparking a debate that perfectly encapsulates the contradictions of coolness in St Andrews. The classic, old-school cigarette that has permeated elite universities like ours for centuries stands in stark contrast to the new ‘health is wealth’ ethos represented by the apple. But which is cooler?

My hunt started outside of Pret, then Combini, then St Mary’s Quad. I made my way past Buchanan, before finally stopping outside the library. You’re not supposed to smoke there, but people do it anyway. I counted how many were smoking compared to those biting into apples, and it was about seven to one — if you count someone sitting down with apple slices from their lunchbox as the one.

When asked why this is, second-year Siela Brunello replied, “The cig is a little more cinematic.” That seems true enough. The apple lacks that edgy allure; it’s just too normal. The cigarette, however, is classic, embodying a kind of radical rebellion — a bold statement that screams you’re doing your own thing, even if it might lead to your demise. After all, it’s a personal choice to mess with your health. On the flip side, the apple brings no real drama unless you manage to drip juice all over your hands and stain your keyboard during a lecture. Which is annoying, but, hey, at least it’s healthy.

As for whether I should be pitting two ‘cool’ things against each other; though the pursuit of coolness seems superficial, we cannot stop people from chasing it if the concept is always in flux. What if altruism and kindness become the next big trends? What if we all start pledging to One for the World? We see these qualities simmering in TikTok edits admiring Taylor Russell’s gentle spirit and empathy. I’ll hold off on berating the allure of coolness if it means people might gravitate towards those ideals more in the future.

So, cigarette or apple? Without a doubt, the cigarette. The apple has its charm, too, but don’t overdo it — especially if you’re already a hot yoga, Raw Pressed, milk-alternative-without-an-allergy kind of person like me. If you’re going to indulge in an apple, do it while strolling; don’t bring it into a lecture. You’ll inevitably annoy someone, and even if you don’t take a bite, you’ll risk looking like a nerd trying to hand an apple to the lecturer. Then again, we’re all a bit nerdy in St Andrews because, well, we go to St Andrews, so that concern isn’t as relevant.

In fact, I wouldn’t shy away from embracing both. We have two hands for a reason. Having a cig in one hand and an apple in the other might be the best way to honour the delightful irony of St Andrews — an ancient town alive with modern oddities and charming nonsenses. It also means you won’t finish your cig as fast — and what better way to celebrate the old and new than with a slow burn? Let’s just leave Patrick Hamilton out of it.

Illustration by Clodagh Earl