Dear Sallie: Too Many Freshers

Dear Sallie,

In Freshers Week I went on a bit of an adopting spree. That was all well and good until a few weeks later when they started to annoy me a little bit, but then Raisin happened. What I thought was going to be a really fun day with my new-found Fresher friends turned into a total nightmare when they pushed me over the edge and I just can’t stand them. I would just ghost them but they are super clingy and seem to have constructed their social lives around me and MY FRIENDS and call me or come over to my house unannounced at all hours of the day to talk through their life problems (stupid bitchy Fresher dramas). I can’t take it anymore. Sallie, how do I get rid of them?

Yours sincerely,

Miserable-Mummy-Margaret

Dear Margaret,

It’s a truth universally acknowledged that eighteen-year-olds will never be anything if not f***ing annoying. They think the world revolves around them, get drunk from the smell of vodka, and, unfortunately, a lot of them are trying to be something they aren’t (you can’t really blame them for that they’re just insecure). I’ll give it to you that some are more annoying than others, but you do seem to have drawn the short straw. Now, before I give you any salient advice I’ll just remind you — the reason they are probably so clingy is complimentary. You are older, wiser, and more sure of yourself and they want to be like you. The way I see it is — cue eye roll — you’ve got two options here.

First of all, you can just do a total personality u-turn. Gone are the days of trying to make academic family events fun, you need to low-key traumatise them. Start acting like someone they don’t want to spend all their time with. Stage a drunken meltdown and pour your heart and soul out to them. Get into the headspace of Regina George, start becoming super controlling. Tell them you want daily outfit pics (so you can coordinate as a family) and get weirdly involved in their love lives. Sabotage them whenever and wherever you can.

Start bringing up embarrassing things they’ve done in front of their crushes and print out photos of them insanely drunk and post them around town. Basically, push them away but, when they inevitably start to distance themselves, it’ll seem like it was their idea. The lamer and more like an actual parent you act, the less they’ll want to be with you.

Or, you take the less psychopathic route and gently phase them out. Stop answering their calls, make it clear that, unlike their sixth-form English teacher you don’t have an open door policy. In fact from now, you’ll be operating an Office Hours system - you’ll only be available once a month for approximately twenty-five minutes. Answer their texts sporadically, and with as little detail as possible (but please keep it civil, there’s no need to be downright rude). It might seem harsh, but act like you’re little more than an acquaintance and they’ll get the message pretty quickly. You’ve known them for a couple of months, and by now you’ve done the Raisin thing so you don’t owe them anything. You’re a third year, and you’ve got more important things going on than worrying about some silly Fresher drama.

Whatever you do, lock your door and change your number.

All my love,

Sallie x

Illustration: Kate Lau