Dear Sallie: In Love With BFF's BF
Updated: Feb 22
All your life’s questions answered by Sallie, The Saint’s delightfully mysterious Agony Aunt. Submit your questions anonymously to Sallie on our Instagram or our website!
I’m in love with my best friend's boyfriend. I’ve had a crush on him since I met him, but I introduced him to my friend and now they’re dating. It’s so hard seeing them together, and I can’t help but feel jealous.
I’m sorry to hear about your troubles, rest assured you are not alone. The best friend’s boyfriend is an oft-sought subject of fantasy, usually for the reason that they are entirely off limits. If you’re considering confessing your love for him, I would urge you to think again – it will almost certainly not play out as perfectly as it does in the scenarios you dream up before falling asleep. Assuming you’re not intending to cruelly break up their relationship and take him for yourself, there’s only one thing to do: get over it. This may seem impossible right now, but here are a few things that might help:
First, create some distance between yourself and the happy couple. Seeing them act lovey-dovey can only inspire more jealousy. You shouldn’t drop your friend by any means, but aim to spend time with her one-on-one instead of third wheeling. Him, however, you might have to avoid entirely. Distance is often the best tool for creating separation between your life and the feelings you’re trying to dispel. It might also be a good idea to confide in a trusted friend, sharing always helps make a situation feel less dire! I will, of course, always be a willing ear…
Next, list some things about him that give you the ick. According to Dr Becky Spelman (psychologist and clinical director of Private Therapy Clinic), “the ick” is a newly-coined term for feeling repulsed by someone you once found attractive. Is he a mansplainer? A gaslighter? Does he chew with his mouth open? Is he messy? Does he talk over people? Does he wear Timberlake scarves or tight trousers? Is he arrogant? Pretentious? Have I just described your ideal man? Sorry! Take off your rose colored glasses. Everyone has flaws. Try to really hone in on his. The ick is a powerful phenomenon and can do wonders to get rid of overly fond feelings.
The biggest ick of all, though, is that he doesn’t return your feelings. You deserve someone that closes their mouth when they chew, but also someone that likes you and not your best friend.
All my love,
Illustration: Kate Lau