Updated: Nov 21
As extremely serious and hardworking student journalists, our biggest idol is not Laura Kuenssburg, nor Naga Munchetti. It’s… Andie Anderson from How to Lose a Guy In 10 Days. Following her highly successful (and might we add groundbreaking) research into the psychology of the male brain, we thought we’d take a proverbial leaf out of her reporter's pad. Disclaimer: The qualifications that enable us to give this advice are that one of us has once spoken to a boy, and the other has once slept with one.
Monday: Choose Your Fighter
The first step is also the most important. The rest of your strategy depends on getting this right. You’ve got a few options: the clay-pigeon shooting, Barbour-wearing Bartholomew; American golfer Archie who thinks 1.2k rent per month is “pretty standard”; champagne socialist Samuel who studies English Lit and Art History; Rugby lad Robbie, Finance bro Freddie who went to one of three schools, and the European dreamboat Etienne. Finally, there’s the “I’m not like other boys” boy (he’s probably called Ben, super original).
Tuesday: Sow The Seeds
Boys are simple creatures. Sadly, they don’t have object permanence - if he can’t see you, you don’t exist. You’ve got to lurk. Everywhere. If he frequents the library, stand among the shelves waiting to startle him. Boys LOVE a jump scare. If he’s a golfer, pull your best Sharpay Evans. Rent a golf cart. Prowl the Old Course. He won’t think it’s weird, he’ll find it endearing.
Wednesday: Broach Conversation
Unfortunately, there’s no one size fits all answer to this one. But remember, boys LOVE dumb girls so whatever you do, don’t mention the 3A*s you got in your A Levels. Here’s a free example: on approaching the finance bro, say “why don’t we just print more money?” with a puzzled look on your face. This gives him a chance to feel clever as he laughs, brushes your arm and starts on a 28-minute explanation of why that would tank the economy. His grad job at PwC depends on him having this knowledge and it’s good for him to get practice explaining it. His 60k starting salary will mean you can send your kids to private school – and that’s the main priority.
Thursday: The Silent Treatment
Phew, what a busy three days you’ve had, time for a day off from all that relentless hard work. Inconsistency is key. Mute him on Messenger, blank him on Butts Wynd, just whatever you do, limit all contact. If you do make the woeful error of engaging with him, play dumb and ask his name. He'll love that you’ve forgotten who he is – there’s nothing sexier than having the memory of a goldfish.
Friday: Flirt With His Friends
Boys just love a girl who’s indecisive. He’ll find you trying to get with both Bertie and Hugo in the same night very attractive. It shows you’re emotionally available – you’ve just got so much love to give. This makes you cute, quirky and fundamentally irresistible.
Saturday: Get Too Drunk and Embarrass Yourself:
This is an absolutely essential step. It’s your time to shine. The key here is to completely blindside him with a drunken and overly clingy confession of your feelings - because he won’t be at all alarmed by you saying “I love you” six days in. Be warned, you’ll need copious amounts of tequila (or other alcohol of your choice) to work up the confidence, so we’d recommend making your confession whilst hunched over the loo. Boys love holding your hair back – he’ll just be thinking “Wow it’s so shiny”. Boys are like magpies.
Sunday: Recover From the Humiliation (it’s a day of rest after all)
If you’ve played your cards right, you should be waking up to a “How’s the head aha x” text this morning. This is only a good thing and a sure-fire sign he just can’t get enough of you. Send a gushing reply before he’s even sent the text. Boys like having their minds read. Call him “baby” at least twice.
Monday: Cheeky drink
Send him a message asking them to go for a drink at The Fairmont. It’s important to set the standards high. If he doesn’t reply, send him 50 more messages (Facebook’s wrong, he’s not currently active, he’s either taking a very long shower or his phone is broken).
Tuesday: Seal the Deal
The post-coital chat is important for emotional intimacy. It’s an opportunity to start suggesting baby names and psycho-analysing his childhood trauma. He’ll inevitably ask you about your first time. Tell him “Oh, just now”. This will make him feel special. Every boy wants someone who’s been holding out just for them. It will also make them feel a sense of responsibility to make sure you haven’t given it up for no reason – boys are all exceptionally moral and kind creatures. Expect a proposal soon.
Wednesday: Discuss Housing For Next Year
Nothing screams casual and breezy more than a legally binding contract. No, not a marriage certificate - we’re talking a Lawson and Thompson lease. Rumour has it there are a couple of two beds on Hope Street that come with an AGA - the perfect environment for you to begin a life of domestic bliss. P.S. We’ll expect press passes to the wedding.
Illustration: Olivia Little