Devil's Advocate: Should we date to not be single?

YES: Gayatri Chatterji

In the wise words of SZA, it's cuffing season. Navigating the gradual loss of sunlight, feeling ready for bed at 6pm, and dreading more than anticipating the festivities of this time of year is difficult enough as it is. Nothing can quite fill that void and bring back that missing sunshine from our lives like a little bit of romance. Sometimes, I fear that we have developed a fear of intimacy as a generation. This doesn’t just pertain to romantic relationships per se, but romantic relationships seem to be the most daunting of all for a lot of us at this age. 

We’re social creatures. Nature didn’t program us to be nonchalant, in competition with each other over who likes whose story, or in a perpetual ego struggle over who texts first. We were programmed to be interdependent, to feel, to express. Not to sound like everyone’s dad droning on about the kids these days, but maybe this mismatch between our nature and generational behaviour is why we’re so dysfunctional.  

Getting into a relationship and seeing people doesn’t have to be the deepest thing that’s happened to you — and I’m saying this because, at this age, it kind of feels like it is. We, as university students, are not made to tie ourselves down to a life partner at age twenty. University is all about learning, both within and outside of academic pursuits. Building and maintaining relationships is a skill, something that requires profound self-knowledge and the ability to adapt yourself to the needs of others. Like any other skill, it requires cultivation and practice. Not reaching a sufficient understanding of oneself in these formative years is, I think, something that leads to being emotionally stunted. 

Fear of heartbreak, while perhaps not unjustified, stops us from exposing ourselves to our emotions in a way that will influence how we emotionally mature. Remember: heartbreak is the worst possible outcome of putting yourself out there, and, in my opinion, a vital human experience. 

I think there exists either a deep-seated fear or a complete trivialisation of relationships and dating in our generation. It makes us almost avoid intimacy that we perceive to be real, escape true vulnerability and impede our ability to give ourselves entirely to a relationship. On the opposite end of the spectrum, why does an alcohol-heavy night out and normalised casual sex serve as the only pretext for showing interest in someone? Do the flashing lights and loud music, the assuredness that you can ignore said person in Tesco the next day, actually just allow us to avoid the scary parts of intimacy — the real, emotional aspects of it? Is it even romance anymore? Or is it just a half-baked middle ground designed to provide the human connection we crave without placing ourselves in a vulnerable position, opening ourselves up to really caring about a relationship?

In this anti-commitment epidemic, we seem to find ourselves in, I urge everyone to stand up, get over the ‘situationships’, stop crying over being ghosted, and just go on a date — get to know someone. You’re not inferior for expressing interest in someone, for caring — and you’re certainly not superior for keeping (potential) romantic partners around for the sole purpose of having your ego boosted. And if nothing else, a cuddle for warmth may at least reduce that heating bill — enough of an incentive in this economy. 

NO: Saffron Rowell

As the light around us dwindles, the walks grow colder, and the nights longer, one thing is certain: bad decisions are made. Whether caused by a Vitamin D deficiency short-circuiting the brain, a need for someone to comfort us as deadlines approach, or the fact that some of us don’t want to have to pay for an electric blanket, the relationship birds are singing, and every day they get louder. Left, right, and centre, everyone I know is getting into some sort of relation-talking-situation-ship. On the face of it, that does hurt. The cold, gloomy setting of an (admittedly electric blanket-less) bedroom, a painfully unheld hand, midnight beach walks with not some gallant suitor but rather the harsh realities of one’s life — these I would not wish on my worst enemy (or maybe I would — but not on you, at least.)

And yet, were you to do any digging on your favourite Viewpoint writer, you would find that I’m not actually in a relationship and that I’m far from convinced that I’m actually worse off. Getting into a relationship for the relationship’s sake is dangerous and a trap that ensnares many. One day it's starting to get frosty, you feel the pull, and the next thing you know it's January, Jekyll has disappeared to reveal Hyde in his place, and you’re emotionally attached to a person who you genuinely don’t know.

Is it worth the shiny new suitcase on the emotional baggage trolley? Are you really getting any real personal satisfaction from those hours of will-they-won't-they (text me back)? And at the end of the day, would you be starry-eyed, blush-cheeked, kicking your feet, if it weren’t ‘that time of year’?

If you are just dating to not be single, then I have one more question for you: when did the prospect of your own company get so dull that you had to fill the void with someone you don’t really like? You are the only person that you’re guaranteed to spend the rest of your life with. Time alone should be one of life’s great joys and not your last resort. Reread your favourite book, take hot showers, light a candle, burn some incense, and pay for your own overpriced coffee. Show this article to whichever mutual friend / Hinge match/library crush you grabbed onto (apologies if this is how you are finding out), and batten down the hatches for a winter of calm, comfortable solitude — not the curdling, unfurling realisation that you’re in a stillborn relationship.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m a hopeless romantic. When the relationship birds start singing, I tend to listen. I’m not immune and, to be entirely cringe about it, I love love. But only for its own sake. So, if you’re considering getting cuffed this cuffing season but aren’t sure about your lover: Paul Simon has 50 ways to leave them, and I could list 100 reasons for why you should.

Illustration by Calum Mayor