Ask Andy: Fresher Flirtations and Cult Concerns

Dear Andy, 

I’m feeling very guilty. Wednesday night came around and the bright lights of Main Bar were calling my name. I may or may not have gone a bit too hard at pres, and the £1.50 shots were irresistible. Ariana Grande came on and I found myself dancing with a tall, dark, exceedingly handsome stranger. I have a thing for Glaswegian accents at the best of times and my inebriation made it even more enticing…before I knew it we were snogging on the dance-floor. Feeling exceptionally proud of myself, I was a-scrolling his Facebook only to discover he was born in 2006. Andy… I’ve snogged a Fresher. I’m in Fourth Year — I remember 2006! I feel like I’ve done something morally wrong, what do I do?

Love, Sheila the Shark 

Hello Sheila, 

We’ve all made mistakes, especially in Main Bar — those strip lights are an aphrodisiac if I’ve ever seen one. It’s not your fault, those pesky fresh are a walking health hazard, but alas, you weren’t to know. You’ve done nothing illegal according to the budding lawyers on Quora, and while I can understand it might feel morally dubious, at least you didn’t pull a Sophie Ellis-Bextor*. 

If you’re worried about the teasing, it’s slightly inevitable I’m afraid. Objectively speaking, it’s inherently fairly amusing and your friends are only human. Brace yourself for a lifetime of shark jokes — you’re too young to be classed as a cougar, sadly. Fear not though, there’ll be plenty of opportunity to get your own back. After all, it’s almost inevitable that one of your flatmates will do something infinitely worse…like try to unsuccessfully hit on the bouncer who’s married with two kids.

Andy x

*Murder on the Dancefloor

Dear Andy, 

I’m no Louis Theroux, but I think my flatmate might be in a cult. She’s recently made a new group of friends, who are all rather suspect. I hear them speaking in a strange language from my room next door, and I once walked in to find them dancing around an animal skull in a circle, chanting — I’m even sure I’ve heard my name. It’s getting weird…I’m starting to feel really worried for her. I miss my friend and don’t want anything bad to happen. Should I intervene?

Love, Concerned Cathy

Dear Cathy

That doesn’t sound ideal. It can be horrible, not to mention disappointing, when the person you thought you knew well enough to sign a lease with turns out to be a less-than-ideal flatmate. Nipping things in the bud is always for the best, though you might want to try and catch her on her own for this one (and to be on the safe side, maybe avoid the full moon). Ask her what it is she’s getting up to, and whether you can tag along next time. If all else fails, suggest a cosy movie night and pop Midsommar on to see if it resonates with her.

Showing an interest in her passions might just be the thing to save your friendship…sounds like it could be a cry for help to be honest, and she probably misses you just as much as you are missing her. Confronting somebody never feels comfortable, but sometimes staging an intervention is the only way to avoid things escalating — you’ll feel worse if she appears on GB News one day. 

Andy x