Coco Chanel once said, “No elegance is possible without perfume. It is the unseen, unforgettable, ultimate accessory.” The creator of the world’s bestselling perfume, Chanel No. 5, was not wrong. Perfume can speak volumes about a person. (Or rather smell volumes.) I present the ultimate guide to finding the perfume that reveals your innermost thoughts.
Floral scents, especially softer ones like rose, jasmine, or lilies, are perfect for those looking for an overbearing alpha male. This one is great if you are looking to improve your sandwich-making skills or have run out of rent money and are looking for someone to foot your next dinner tab.
Woodsy or musky scents
This scent profile is perfect for those looking for a man with a strange attachment to his mom. Nothing says ‘I could be your mother’ like overpowering sandalwood and patchouli. One useful tip is to match the age of the man you are trying to attract to the degree that the perfume smells like potpourri, the closer the older. Bonus points for wearing a perfume that was actually created in the 1950s. (For those on a budget, I recommend wearing a Yankee Candle flameless scent to remind him of his mother’s Subaru.)
Similar to woodsy, but not quite, earthy scents are perfect for those looking for someone to compost with. Go for a piney scent if you want to find an ex-boy scout whose party trick is tying different knots or a beachy scent if you are looking for someone who only wears Billabong but has never gone surfing.
Fresh perfumes such as those comprised of notes like citrus, freshly cut grass, or ocean are perfect for those looking to find a grown man who does not know how to do his own laundry. If you’re looking for a man who is an overgrown child this is for you. Go for one with linen notes if you want to change his sheets for the first time.
Anything from Bath and Body Works
If you are looking for a man who has a daddy complex, this is the perfume category for you. The obnoxiously synthetic fragrance screams “I frequent the local Forever 21 and am under 21”. This especially pairs well with Victoria’s Secret PINK sweatpants bought with a gift card at a post-Christmas day sale and a pumpkin spice latte.
Anything from the Abercrombie franchise
The difference between a Bath and Body Works-scent wearer and Abercrombie-scent wearer can be quite subtle and the two are not mutually exclusive. However, the strength of the fumes emitted is the litmus test–the stronger the scent, the more they peaked in high school. This scent is perfect for those trying to emit a present-day-cheerleader-but-future-Hooters-waitress vibe.
Note: Take these suggestions with a grain of exfoliating sea salt body scrub, and if in doubt, stalk his ex-girlfriend and steal her perfume. Better yet, sneak into his bathroom and wear his cologne to capitalise on his never-ending love for himself.