St Andrews is in dire straits. You read this in the middle of one of the most severe housing crises any parish town has had to face. Around this time of the year, Freshers learn the true meaning of frustration, brought on by the chronic lack of suitable accommodation and the copious amounts of paperwork those letting agents feel is necessary.
It was during this time of intense adversity that I felt I had to re-evaluate my politics. Capitalism has failed us. If such a system has led to the possibility of a dreaded return to halls, or worse, having to settle for a house within 5 minutes of the wretchedness of Albany Park, then it must be changed.
As we know, desperate times call for desperate measures. And so, we must put an end to private ownership and triumph over those money grabbing landlords. The solution is simple: we must turn the town of St Andrews into a socialist state.
Socialism has had some bad press, but we shall try again! After all, they say one hasn’t failed until one gives up, and so we shall not give up. This brilliant solution starts with rebranding the University to “Educational Institution No.3” because the current name has with it an image of elitism and inequity.
Next, we move to the heart of the matter: the question of housing. As I write from the New Golf Club, looking out across the Links, I cannot help but wonder, “what a ridiculous waste of land.” Wave after wave of overweight, privileged, predominantly white men hacking up the turf only help to further compound my belief. We should abolish this playground for the elite (although keep the New Club as it is, of course). These men should be in the factories, not hitting white balls around a field.
Paving over the Links and building accommodation blocks is the solution to this outrage. Of course the houses would all have to be identical as well as grey in colour so as not to cause envy. The R&A building, however, must remain the same, as it would make an excellent High Command.
However, we must also be careful to preserve some of the most grand buildings in the Socialist State of St Andrews, as the political leaders need somewhere to live of course. We must also renovate these buildings and add more gold — this also brings employment for the students of Educational Institutions No.3, thus boosting self-esteem.
The ruins of the cathedral and castle will also make excellent building materials for a new set of accommodation blocks in St Salvator’s Quad — this shall be named St Marx’s Hall. All other University halls shall be named after those who have furthered the cause of our shared prosperity. DRA will become Corbyn Hall, ABH to Trotsky Hall, and so on. Albany Park needs no further alterations — it is in fact the blueprint for all future developments. High Command will issue all students with accommodation in the fairest possible way — i.e. those with parents in the officialdom will be treated even more fairly.
This way all students of Educational Institution No.3 will equally share in the prosperity of the Socialist State’s housing boom. Glory for St Andrews!
Money will no longer be an issue. In this utopian world, there are no tuition fees and no living costs, and no need for the horror of a trip to Tesco — the state will liberate us from all such burdens. Free from the oppression of private landlords and greedy corporations, we will be able to flourish in a future fair for all.
In addition to this, champagne will be on tap in all university buildings. This is of course an incredibly important measure, as currently, only the privileged are able to drink champagne whenever and wherever they wish. And so, making it more accessible will remove this unacceptable social disparity.
Next, we turn to the question of who will lead our great Institution and State. I can see only one contender for principal: Len McCluskey, a militant leftist and a man who has done a lot of excellent work, particularly in the South-East of England. Moreover, Catherine Stihler must be replaced as Rector by John McDonnell on the grounds that she is not left-wing enough. And finally, for our ever-victorious, iron-willed commander, Peter Taaffe. Formally the leader of Militant Labour and the Socialist Party, he is the perfect incarnation of the appearance that a leader should have.
I have confidence in these great leaders to bring us out of the dark ages of capitalism, to avert a housing and champagne apocalypse, and to bring hope to us all.
Socialism has not only saved us from the crisis; socialism is the light that guides us to prosperity and glory.