On Sunday 28 February 2016, the Oscar’s rolled out their red carpet for the 88th time. The well known new-order Enlightenment event hosted by some of the world’s most renowned lizard people distinguishes itself from previous ceremonies in that it has quenched all the memes, online video games, and sad gifs of Leonardo DiCaprio sobbing over his stolen wins. The talented young follower of Satan has finally gotten his first Oscar, although the mental image of him as a depressed and ageing man, counting the dust specs on his trophy shelf, is probably largely fabricated by the Internet. And not everything on the Internet is true, kids.
Whilst whether The Revenant is the film he deserved to win an Oscar for or not is an interesting question, and probably an amazing read, what I’m proposing today is much juicier. There are more pressing issues at hand, as DiCaprio rightly pointed out in his speech, which was one third about global warming. The most pressing issue of all, which many writers from The Saint (mostly me) have come to speculate upon is: have we finally got the concrete proof we all so desperately needed that DiCaprio is unambiguously part of some sort of variant of the Bavarian Illuminati, or the mafia?
The following is an open letter to Mr “Leonardo” DiCaprio, informing him that I have pierced through the deceptive veil of his organisation and intricate plan:
Dear Mr DiCaprio,
If I may: why are you so calm and unphased, “Leonardo” DiCaprio, when receiving your Oscar? Is it because you know that the Oscars are one big conspiracy theory, set up so that you and your boys (aka the “Pussy Posse”, which is uncannily similar to “Lucy Party”, the latter being a clear reference to the words Lucifer & Illuminati) can win the whole treacherous event in the end?
Naïve laymen often view you as a soft, polite, and caring human. I’d like to shatter that misconception with some actual factual empirical data. Most recently, you seemed to have sent a little diabolical message at the Oscars in the form of a single digit, protruding from the rest of your fist. Yes, behold your middle finger, so graciously poised in front of your envelope and ready to be shown to all the puppets of the world. But why did you give this performance “Leonardo”? Or should I say Lizardo, which many of us here at Viewpoint (only me) have noticed is eerily similar to “Leonardo”, a fictitious pseudonym invented in the 19th century by Sicilians, and adopted by mafia members to conceal their true nature. It is no coincidence either that your last name should be “DiCaprio”, the Italian for “from the island of Capri near Naples”. And it is certainly no secret that Naples is a harbour for the Camorra’s organised Mafioso crimes. So why should you have any secrets, Lizardo?
This is not the first time you have let the world implicitly know that you are in fact part of a worldwide organisation whose primary goal is to make you unholy emperor of the universe. May I be so bold as to remind you of the time you cheekily flashed your bowling balls with Tobey Maguire in 1989? Brazen, but innocent to most; however, I see right through your childlike demeanor, and the seemingly innocuous squint in your eyes. This holding of balls is a reference to Irving Berlin’s At the Devil’s Ball, which should be conveniently published in 1913, 76 years before the taking of the picture. Here we remind the reader that the perfect number of God is 777, and the number of the devil is 666.
Now. Liz. Can I call you Liz? Rather than rambling on about your shenanigans, of which there are plenty, I’ll simply say it as it is. I promise not to publish a follow up article describing all your raucous adventures and clear illuminati-like behaviour if you pay my university tuition fees. Not only is this deal a bargain for you (as a follower of the Antichrist, it surely appeals to your temptress nature), but you’ll also be able to set up a new life for yourself. You will be viewed as the most charitable of Satan’s minions, and perhaps even rewarded with Limbo at the gates of Hell.
Furthermore, by sponsoring me, I’ll piously promote your movies by giving them a high put plausible four stars rating. In fact, I’ve already started. I’ve even used your stage name as a little incentive to be my university sugar daddy. You can thank me later.