I knew I wanted to be with ISIS when I researched the group and met some of the members I now work with, who were extremely welcoming. Since then, I have been part of the fastest growing Islamic caliphate in the world, played korfball with Bashar Al Assad, and have had all kinds of other opportunities.
Rather than take the traditional graduate route, I wanted to start a career that wouldn’t keep me up at night questioning my own humanity. I abhorred the idea of working for some soulless corporation sucking a country’s infrastructure dry while dodging any and all taxes through quasi-legal means. I hated the thought of costing millions of honest people their jobs because of negligent and criminal practices only to come out of it all with a huge government bailout, a slap on the wrist and a new Madagascan villa. I wanted to make a difference.
I wanted to work for people with more integrity. I wanted to work for ISIS. The bulk of my work is around social media engagement, involving tasks like organising video shoots and managing promotional campaigns in newly liberated communities. But the great thing about my job is that it is constantly changing — I rarely have a quiet day. In the morning I might be organising finance to purchase a new tank, and that same afternoon be out in the field with the ‘Beheading, Crucifixion and Miscellaneous Gory Nonsense’ department going door to door rustling up journalists and the pesky husbands of our potential new wives. Unlike life back home, every day at ISIS brings new challenges, and overcoming them is very rewarding.
The highlight of my first year was back in June when we captured the crossing at Trabil, which was the culmination of months of hard work and finally made us a household name. It was great to see us crowned (albeit only in the awards ceremony that took place in my head) Best Breakthrough Terror Group 2014. I am proud to be part of the hard working and passionate team who made this achievement possible. I’d like to thank my parents, my wonderful supporting cast and, no, don’t play the music! I’m sorry if I’ve forgotten anyone! Thank you. You know who you are!
ISIS gave me the opportunity to take a leading role in planning the marketing of the Trabil capture, which was a big responsibility and an intense challenge, but ISIS never let you feel abandoned to a problem. If you have a question, you can always find an answer, whether that’s through employee manuals, or by asking your supervisor. That answer, more often than not, is yes, he probably is an infidel, go grab the axe. We are growing fast, but ISIS is about more than cutting a vast swathe across the Middle East to impose our own vicious system of governance. It’s also about friendship.
ISIS is a family, and there is a vibrant social scene of movie nights, themed parties, weekend retreats and more. You might say we have a jihad, playhad mentality.I currently captain the ISIS inter-tyrant sports team, which competes in weekly competitions against our friends and rivals in Al-Qaeda, Hamas, the Syrian Government, Libya and Iran. I was surprised to discover how good a basketball player the now former Iranian president is, especially for such a small man. In the locker rooms we would all call him Mahmoud ‘Ahmadeadlyguard’ and whip him with our towels. He would pretend to get angry, but you could tell he loved the attention really.
Sure, being the only Catholic in a group of Islamic extremists poses a challenge. At first I slept with a knife under my pillow and strained to grow a whispery little moustache in a desperate attempt to fit in, but I soon adapted to my new fundamentalist life. It’s a lot like being an Oldham Athletic supporter: there’s a lot of chanting; a lot of collapsing to the floor clutching our head in your hands, and a lot of praying to God to have mercy and end your life.
Next year, I plan to go on secondment to the Saudi military to gain more experience. All ISIS trainees are encouraged to take secondments in other tyrannical professions to help our professional development. Other options include joining the Hong Kong Police force, or working as admissions officer for the Kate Kennedy Club.
Applications for the ISIS summer internship scheme close on February 28th, so get applying and see for yourself the great opportunities ISIS has to offer. Come join me for a summer in the Sunnis!