Spittin’ rhymes from the terraces


Last week, the contrasting communities of music and football were rocked by the news that American rapper Snoop Dogg is planning to put some of his millions into Celtic Football Club. It has now become very fashionable for famous musicians to start investing in British football. Rumour has it that, Jay Z this week decided to buy all of the turf at Wembley Stadium; apparently he now has “99 Problems but a Pitch Ain’t One.” Shirley Bassey then got in on the act and announced plans to start a jewellery chain with Man United’s left back. It’s going to be called “Diamonds Are For Evra.”

However, as much fun as it would be to see Snoop partying with fellow celebrity Celtic fans such as Rod Stewart and Billy Connolly in the director’s box, with kit-man John Clark standing bemused in a corner wondering why his brownie tastes weird, the sad truth is that it’s probably not going to work. Like all good showbiz relationships, any marriage between music and football has traditionally ended disastrously. For example, look at the efforts of footballers when they have tried to make it into the pop-charts; Glenn Hoddle and Chris Waddle’s 1987 hit “Diamond Lights” was awful, Gazza’s version of “Fog on the Tyne” left me in tears and the only thing that was more unconvincing than John Barnes’ attempt at being a rapper was ironically his attempt at being Celtic manager.

Football’s fans aren’t any better at embracing music than their players are to be honest. Although those on the terraces should be given plaudits for their creativity, they have never been a social group famed for their good taste. An example of this would be the reaction of the Scottish fans to goalkeeper Andy Goram being diagnosed with mild schizophrenia. At every ground he played at in the country the fans would sing; “Two Andy Gorams, there’s only two Andy Gorams!” Perhaps even more distasteful, if not impressively imaginative, was the football community’s reaction to Graham Rix becoming the manager of Heart of Midlothian. Bringing up the fact that Rix had previously been convicted as a sex offender, some Manic Street Preachers fans in the crowd started singing; “If You Tolerate Rix Then Your Children Will Be Next.” I mean, what ever happened to good manners and the Corinthian spirit in sport?

It seems then that football and music should stay clear of each other, especially if you take a look at that bizarre statue of Michael Jackson outside Craven Cottage. But maybe I’m being too pessimistic. Maybe pop-stars buying into football clubs can lead to success. For example, Robbie Williams has been the majority share holder of Port Vale FC for a while now and they’re doing all right. Oh wait, they are in administration for the second time in the last ten years.


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